je vais explorer le monde.

Keep Calm and Promise the Stars.

How many of our parents seem to make it, anyway?

I’ve always told myself that I am thankful for the way my life has played out. Having divorced parents, living in seventeen different houses in eighteen years. Having to grow up faster than most kids my age. Paying my own bills. Doing my own laundry starying at the age of ten. While being thankful for that shaping who I am is true, I often neglect to tell people how absolutely difficult it is to have a broken childhood. Going through two divorces, changing schools, changing families. There has never been too many people who come into my life and stay put. My life has been one big changing mess, and although I wouldn’t be here today if it hadn’t, sitting here right now this feels completely shitty. It sucks. I just want to get along with my mom for more than a week at a time without blowing up about something. I want to wake up in the morning to birds chirping, not fighting and yelling. I want to be able to go out with friends on a Saturday night and not have to worry about spending money because of the bills I have to pay. I want to take a month off and not feel the need to pick up as many shifts as I can every week to make sure I can cover everything. I mean, how young can you die of old age? Eighteen isn’t feeling so young. Being an adult is wonderful and freeing, but it’s loaded with expectations and promises that are hard to fulfill.
In the end I just wonder what it would be like to wake up to a complete family. A mom and a dad in a house. Maybe a dog, a backyard. Some sense of normalcy. I’ve never known what normal is supposed to be, I guess. Is there such thing as “normal”?
I can’t keep carrying the burdens of my parents. It’s weighing on me like a ton of bricks and I can’t do that to myself anymore. But they don’t understand how much what they say has an impact on me and my anxiety and stress levels.
“Don’t you dare look out your window, darling everything’s on fire.”

  1. julianicole posted this